Celebrities are all around us, guys. One can’t turn to his left without encountering a famous person doing something or other, and thanks to a carnivorous news cycle, we all get a front row seat. What’s that? Jennifer Lawrence said a thing? Holy shit! Wait, now Johnny Depp has three ostriches? Bela Lugosi is dead? It’s all just too much to drink in. Perhaps the over-familiarity we’ve developed with celebrities precludes us from judging these wealthy books by their titles. So, if I had no idea who a particular celebrity was, what would I assume about said person based on his or her name alone? It’s time to find out.
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict sports a razor-thin mustache atop his constantly smirking upper lip. He has a maid who is happy to cool him off with palm fronds, and his estate has a working dumbwaiter.
Ryan Gosling: A half-man, half-goose monstrosity, Ryan Gosling has been relegated to living in whatever desolate Northwestern pond will take him. Gosling has never taken a wife, as his first and only girlfriend quickly grew tired of plucking his unsightly dirty feathers. Interestingly, the man half of Gosling is his top half, thus allowing him to speak English and eat cheeseburgers.
Dave Grohl: He’s this guy I work with. Pretty funny, never really going anywhere in the company. He thinks Laura is hot, but he’s not the kind of guy to say something like that to her face.
Armie Hammer: Ever since his family mysteriously disappeared at the outset of the Blorp uprising, Armie Hammer has stopped at nothing to find his beloved wife and daughter. Equipped with an axe for an arm and a goddamned Limitless brain, Armie’s capabilities know no bounds. Except for brushing his teeth. He’s right-handed, and that’s the axe arm. It sounds like a minor complaint, but it’s more of an inconvenience that you might think.
LeBron James: LeBron James plays basketball.
Dwayne Johnson: The pressure has really been starting to build for Dwayne. A somewhat successful accountant from Cincinnati, Dwayne is beginning to question his adherence to the straight-and-narrow. Sometimes he just wants to go out for a drink with his buddies, you know? But no, the misses is having none of that shit. So Dwayne keeps his eyes on his chosen path, teeming with resentment underneath, using the sweet escape of softcore YouTube clips as his only dissent from a flaccid reality.
Maria Sharapova: Years after her torrid love affair with a sexy-but-dangerous government spy, Sharapova has found herself in a circle of maniacal fiends. Proficient with both weaponry and words, the sultry Sharapova must now face down her former lover as he attempt to foil her group’s plans to squelch Russia’s snow supply once and for all with a diabolical laser ray the size of several admittedly average-sized homes. The stakes are high, but the tensions are higher.
Meryl Streep: Once the bell of the ball at her high school’s Let’s Bring Our Boys Home Safe dance back in 1971, Meryl never quite reached the heights she aspired to. Her schoolgirl crush on Chip Benson led only to one necking session at Throatpaint Point, and only the primmest of ladies was allowed to attend McCorrigan’s School for Silent Typists. Meryl’s only remaining joy lies in her bi-daily trips to Walmart, the one safe haven that refuses to demean her insistent “only gray” wardrobe and penchant for paperback novels about a wise-cracking sleuth named Dutch Cattleprod.
Channing Tatum: Adored by his loving mother and driven hard by his domineering father, there is a lot of pressure for Channing to live up to his family name. The year is 1995, and the whole world is Channing’s oyster. Cloaked in a pastel polo with a cashmere sweater tied around his neck, Channing is the talk of the country club and has caught the idea of JoAnn Jenkins, the prettiest girl in rich people school. Channing gets into a brief scuffle with Oak Formont after they both attended JoAnn’s first cotillion, but all’s well that ends well in Channing’s American dream.
Tiger Woods: It’s not like he planned on it, but Tiger Woods quickly ascended the ranks of the porn industry before he know what hit him. Thanks to his parents’ imaginative naming, he was able to wisely latch on to the Big Game Animal subsection of the sex trade, starring in such adult films as Bengal Blasterz, Jungle Fuck 4: There’s Mosquitoes, and Roars ‘n Whores.